Living the Calling

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There’s so much we want from our lives.
The list is endless.
We think we only want this very next thing in our heads. But then it comes
And it feels great
Till a few days afterwards, where it no longer has the charm that it once did.
And something new starts stirring.

We do the same with our work.
There’s something that attracts us.
Pulls us.
Or more often than not,
more than something specific attracting us,
we get used to what it is that we are doing.
That we are playing with, working with, working at.
Then thoughts start coming.
Is this it?
Is this what I’m here for?
We start wondering about what it is that we would want to do.
What it is that would ‘fulfil’ us.
We start looking for a calling.

I too did the same.
I had had enough of the struggle.
The struggle to be more.
To constantly want to be better.
To be something.
Somebody
Doing some work that somehow makes me feel more alive.
Makes me feel like I matter.
Like there’s meaning in what I do.
What can be more enchanting than the idea that there is something specific that we’re born to do?
That will bring meaning to the routine of day to day existence?

I too was enchanted by the idea.
But somehow I was aware enough to realise that it didn’t need to be the next earth shattering thing.
It didn’t have to change the course of history,
Or cure the latest unsolvable disease.
It just had to be authentic.
It had to flow out of me on it’s own.
That was my benchmark for my ‘calling’.

It was a tall ask for someone who’d never let himself flow.
Who’d prided his ability to steer his own life with his own mind and will.
It’s like asking someone to walk on his own feet, who’s only been crawling for a long time.
It was about going into my heart from my brain.
I’d lived from my brain, and whatever I’d created felt deeply empty.
It was about accepting all that. Accepting that I needed to look at life a different way,
Approach it a different way,
Be ready to throw away all that I’d built over the years,
With no certainty of any success.
No certainty if this was even a venture that was sensible.
This is not the kind of courage anyone works up on their own.
This is the kind of courage that you find within you when you’ve gone on down a path,
far far longer than you should have,
and ultimately the futility of it, the deep inner loneliness of it,
stares at you in the face every day, every moment,
because you’re living a life that doesn’t feel like your own.
Just this feel.
It seems like such a small thing.
But like most other things in life, it’s these small things which grow over time,
To take on shapes we’d never imagined.

So I wouldn’t say it was courage.
Despair, discouragement, deep misery,
Those would be words more true to describe what motivated me to take the plunge.

And then I got lucky.
Luckier than beyond my wildest dreams.
I found a real Guru. The genuine deal. The kind that’s the stuff of legends too fantastical to be ever considered real.
And he led me.
He led me to my own heart.
He led me to understand my own calling.

So much I saw. Experienced. Lived.
So strange these things called callings are.
They have a logic of their own. Indecipherable to normal logic.
Yet to the heart they make perfect sense.
You can feel their truth. Hear their guidance. Yet never know enough to say for sure where the path will lead, just a few steps down the way.
But that’s what the ways of the heart are like.
That’s what fills up life with the kind of adventure we mostly only dream of, or ogle at in our favourite movie,
These are the kinds of desires we have for our lives ,
for them to stay a perpetual adventure,
a perpetual challenge,
ever fresh,
ever changing,
ever blossoming.
But you can’t hold on to anything.
For to hold on is to stagnate.
For to hold on is to dictate what should stay
And what shouldn’t.
For to hold on,
is to say, that this is how this part of my life should be…
Not possible on the path of the heart.
Not possible when you let life lead you.

Which is why it requires tremendous trust.
Enormous faith,
And yogic dispassion.

For callings are about letting go.
Letting go of control of what you think is the life you’re meant to live.
Setting the direction,
But letting go of the reigns.

It’s exactly how Gurudev once put it….
Jumping into a bottomless pit. Holding the hand of your Master.

Into complete mystery, Into complete agony, Into sheer ecstasy, Into fear, Into excitement, Into the unknowable.
What a life it is.
If you’re reading this,
It is my ardent wish that you may get to live this some day.
My wish,
and my Blessing.
Love you!

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